WHATEVER IT TAKES

CANCER doesn’t just eat away at your insides, it also can destroy relationships.

The anger that builds can most definitely harm others. I got a triple dose of illness. Enough to last a lifetime and beyond.

First it was an autoimmune disease (’94), then stomach removal (’98) and last fall (’16) leukemia.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing the battle and lash out at those closest to me. It’s not fair for me, but it isn’t for them either.

This is for Rudy:

 

 

MIA

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This is just one example of the views from my apartment in southern Utah. Red rocks, plateau’s and snowy mountain tops, all in one pic. Fluffy white clouds and blue lit skies. I miss it….

I have lived in Chicago, Paris and Colorado, but nothing was as breathtaking as Utah. Lots of undeveloped land, temporate weather and only two hours from Vegas. Almost perfect.

The “Mormon’s” were a pain in the ass, but could be overlooked due to the landscape and the endless opportunities for every and all outdoor recreational activities!

The doctor’s were not the greatest, but that could be overlooked also. I am back with my original doctors in the midwest, but one should never base where they live on friggin’ doctors! Life is way too short for that nonsense….

My parents would love for me to stay with my original docs, but screw that. I see them (docs) once again in the fall and then it’ll be time to hit the road once again. The grass can grow around my headstone when I’m dead, but I’ll be damned if I let the grass grow around my feet while I’m still alive and kickin’!

Believe when I say, ‘when you have your health, you have everything,’ and even though health and time are not on my side, I cannot stand still. I also believe that God puts people you need in your path. I would be dead if it weren’t for my Rudy. He saved me more than once in the past, and continues to, even though I’ve put him through hell?!

Here’s to living life by your own rules and not other’s…keep your head up and keep treading that water for as long as you have to. It’ll be worth it!

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PETER

Being ill is no piece of cake, but there are others out there, the silent ones, that let me know that they have it much worse than I do. I got to live my life, but sadly others never will.

Cancer is a bitch, but abuse is even worse, especially with children. Yet, with cancer, you have a fighting chance and have people around you that care and fight with you, not against.

I posted this on Disqus yesterday:

Sadly, Peter would have had a better chance if he was diagnosed with cancer. Instead, three ‘monsters’ decided his fate.

I’m sorry for Manchester, but there are silent voices that will never be heard nor given a chance. I just want to change one thing in the world before I go and this could be it. How you may ask? Not sure, I respond.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, so how can I use my GOD given talent to help those of abuse, whether it be a child, the elderly or pets (animals). These three groups have no ‘voice’ in today’s ‘society.’ (I struggle to refrain from calling it worse.)

I think of the movie ‘Grand Torino’ (Clint Eastwood) and think if only.’ I would give up my life to just save one innocent soul.

Don’t praise me for this, cuz I’ve f-cked up plenty in my years and I just want to give back.

So, yes, we are squarely in the middle of ‘terrorist’ situations and it is all too sad, but what about those who suffer in silence?

Peter never got to RULE HIS OWN WORLD.

RIP PETER….

‘SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME…’

 

 

BREATHE (2 a.m.)

I actually came to bed four hours ago. It is now 2 a.m. and I am wide awake if you can call it that. The alarm is set for 7 a.m. giving me plenty of time to get ready for my oncology appointment. It feels like this is all I have, for now, writing-wise.

I feel as if I can’t move like if I just turn over, I’ll break. RG is down in front of the television, which is just as well since I’ll probably just toss and turn all night. He asked me if I wanted to still go to my appointment or if I wanted to re-schedule. I actually considered it for a while then figured that I might as well get this over with.

There is such a thing as not wanting to know and I so get that, but I have other major health issues to deal with so maybe it’s best to just go in. Just bite that bullet, so to speak.

It plays like a tennis match in my head. Back and forth over an imaginary net in my mind: I don’t want to know; I need to know; I don’t, I do…Help me Lord.

The one thing that is already freaking me out is the fact that I almost passed out the last time I had to give a blood sample in this very clinic. It was moments before I was officially diagnosed with CLL (a rare form of leukemia).

This song, BREATHE (2 a.m.) has helped me make it through many sleepless nights. Here’s hoping Anna can soothe me to sleep, once again…