BREATHE (2 a.m.)

I actually came to bed four hours ago. It is now 2 a.m. and I am wide awake if you can call it that. The alarm is set for 7 a.m. giving me plenty of time to get ready for my oncology appointment. It feels like this is all I have, for now, writing-wise.

I feel as if I can’t move like if I just turn over, I’ll break. RG is down in front of the television, which is just as well since I’ll probably just toss and turn all night. He asked me if I wanted to still go to my appointment or if I wanted to re-schedule. I actually considered it for a while then figured that I might as well get this over with.

There is such a thing as not wanting to know and I so get that, but I have other major health issues to deal with so maybe it’s best to just go in. Just bite that bullet, so to speak.

It plays like a tennis match in my head. Back and forth over an imaginary net in my mind: I don’t want to know; I need to know; I don’t, I do…Help me Lord.

The one thing that is already freaking me out is the fact that I almost passed out the last time I had to give a blood sample in this very clinic. It was moments before I was officially diagnosed with CLL (a rare form of leukemia).

This song, BREATHE (2 a.m.) has helped me make it through many sleepless nights. Here’s hoping Anna can soothe me to sleep, once again…

 

 

 

 

CLOSE MY EYES

To understand this, you have to really know me.

It’s been a long and rainy two weeks. This is one of the reasons I moved to the desert southwest and why I would never live in places like Seattle: Too much rain, doom, and gloom.

Yet, here I am in the midst of all the gloom, but here is also where my doctors are. Can’t have it all, as the saying goes. In life, it is all about choices. Choices and change.

I see the oncologist this week….

Enough said.

 

 

 

 

WHAT’S RIGHT IS WRONG

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Breitbart, Liberty Healthshare

Heartbreaking photo…unfortunately, his care will be compromised because of the in-fighting over congress’ inability to set things right after the Obamacare debacle.

When will it end and how many Americans, especially children, will suffer for it?!

The sad thing is, if he were of hispanic or mideast (omitting capitals) persuasion and an illegal, he wouldn’t have a problem.

Just putting it out there for you to think about.

Peace.

 

NOT MY HEALTHCARE THEY DON’T

Spent all day at the hospital, am totally exhausted and what is in the news?! THIS: http://www.breitbart.com/news/judge-blocks-trump-order-on-sanctuary-city-funding/ !!!

Okay, I am officially pissed and if I had known this before the hospital, I would’ve said something to that Hispanic family on the elevator who spoke NO ENGLISH! I would have said something like, “Oh hey, you know that summer is on its way so make sure you have plenty of I.C.E.!!!” No holds barred!! I’m taking no prisoners any longer! Enough is enough! This was my comment on BREITBART:

“Okay liberal judge who doesn’t give a crap about us Americans (don’t care what your name is), my Medicare and Medicaid benefits will plummet (I have cancer & a feeding tube), while illegals will continue getting my ‘paid for by my own taxes, withheld from my hard earned paychecks’ care, for free?! Go f-ck yourself!!!”

Want access to our healthcare?! Become LEGAL and pay your Social Security and other taxes!! If I have to go through this ‘system,’ so do YOU!!!

Last year I met a lady from Columbia and her mother was coming to live here LEGALLY!! Guess what?! She had to wait for a year or so, after being here, to get the healthcare she needed!! She had a feeding tube also.

I have no problem with this. So why is it these illegals get something for nothing over us?!

PEACE…

SEVENTEEN HUNDRED MILES

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Tomorrow is my first doctor appointment and I traveled 1,700 miles for it?! Next week is my cancer appointment. Gotta do what you gotta do I guess.

I worked at the nursing home all weekend in order to keep my mind off of my destiny?! Scary, but has to be done, unfortunately. I have absolutely no clue about what will happen. My goal is to stay out of the hospital.

I can absolutely feel the terror parents go through when it comes to their kids and doctor appointments, especially when dealing with cancer.

Then there are those people that have no class, which I learned at work, this past weekend. I had just returned after a five-month absence. There was a new person there that didn’t know me from ‘Eve’ and a co-worker blurted out, “How’s your leukemia doing?!” Insensitive to say the least.

People and parents in my situation will find this unnerving. How about waiting until I bring it up, if at all. The only person that needs to know is the administrator. Beyond that, no one. Not even the nurses.

People need to respect a person’s boundaries. If we want you to know, we’ll tell you, otherwise…I worked to keep my mind off of my situation, not to have it brought to light and especially in front of strangers.

cancer

Random thoughts….

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO COMMON SENSE?!

With all the crap happening in the world and us being inundated with questionable ethics of journalists and the media, I felt this was important enough to post. Yes, it pertains to celebrities, fashion, healthcare and politics in general. Will everyone just slow down and actually think and use their heads?! Hearts and intelligence before pocketbooks!!

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Common Sense Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was as his birth
records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life
isn’t always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies (don’t spend more
then you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could
inform the parents when a student became pregnant.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife
Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason. He is survived
by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I’m a victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.

(Everyone is guilty! Even me!)

BRUTAL

 

mar8 (2)
https://inyatigamelodge.com/tag/mapogo/

 

Have you ever watched male lions battle ’til the end? Here are four young males against one elderly lion. It can be hard to watch and you hear yourself yelling, “not fair,” or “pick on someone your own size!”

Yet nature has its’ own rules that humans don’t always understand. I catch myself asking if they have to do this or if they feel pain or if they know their time has come? It’s sad, but at the same time, very powerful, but I don’t make a habit of watching the film clips.

I also find myself asking why doesn’t the person filming intervene and stop the battle?! Humans can’t possibly understand and eventually learn that nature, along with being beautiful, can be brutal.

This is how I see cancer. The young males are healthy cancer cells, while the elderly male is what cancer eventually turns into. It’s the cycle of life, but if you try to make heads or tails (No pun intended) of it, you will not like the result.

The elderly lion fights for hours, but he never quits until literally his back is broken. The young males eventually leave the older male where he lies, waiting for the end. Sad, but true.

If it were the other way around, it would be even more tragic because a young male would be killed during the prime of his life. Much like the toddler or teenager who succumbs to the cancer way before their time and after a fierce battle that he should have won.

This is my analogy of cancer and the cycle of life.

You (parents) have to fight, especially for the children because they don’t understand, at first. While I, the adult, have known exactly what has been going on from the beginning.

I believe in  St. Jude Hospital’s mission and it is what they are all about: